A few things

Washing dishes, Scarlett is dancing to music. She stops dancing for a moment to run over and hug my leg. I look down and she purses her lips. Bend down, she gives me a sloppy, wet kiss. Runs off smiling and continues to dance. Love.

It has been a rough couple of weeks but my goodness do I love that child. Sometimes it seems that I love her so much it hurts. It's heartbreaking and beautiful to be a mother. Watching them find such joy in simple things and learn and grow. But then there are times when you see them fall and hurt themselves and you hurt too. Or realize just how quickly they're growing and you can do nothing to stop it. Thinking that one day she will have her own life and will be the vibrant, self-assured woman that you can see her growing to be. Beautiful and heartbreaking.

Quit the binky cold turkey over a week ago and then we all came down with a nasty virus that we're still fighting. It's been 9 days of very little sleep and snot and tissues and cabin fever. It will get better, of course, but it's been a long rough week.

Still though, this is my life and I love every bit of it despite the challenges. And Scarlett, I especially love her.

Well crap

I haven't been good at keeping up with this have I? I'll get some new stuff up soon, promise. For now, here are a few cute pictures. Of my baby. Who isn't a baby anymore. And about to be 2. Yeah, in denial about that.

5 Years

5 years ago Matt and I got married. We went fancy with a courthouse wedding since we had no money (still don't!) and aren't fans of being in front of a lot of people. We wanted to keep it small and just invite immediate family. His parents, my parents, my sis and nephew came. It was planned and we dressed up and ate afterwards. That was about that.

In October it will be 8 years total and it certainly hasn't been easy. I'm still surprised he puts up with me on a daily basis. He's a wonderful guy, however, insanely smart and such an amazing dad.

Also the flip flops? Ignore those :) My feet ached by the time we got down to the gazebo and I changed shoes too early. Took pics and I directed them NOT to get my feet. This still remains my favorite picture on that day... we both look so happy! And the flip flops match anyways.

Here's to many, many more years :)

Wordless Wednesday

(First visit to Grant's Farm late May)

Because I can't resist...

Here's more.

Dear Scarlett

Dear Scarlett,

I wish you could stay this small forever. You're still tiny, never having caught up from the rough first year, particularly the first 6 months, but you're absolutely perfect to me. Your hair is finally growing and you're allowing me to put clips in to keep your bangs out of your eyes. You're so incredibly smart and amaze me everyday. You've learned approximately 80 bajillion new words in the last 2 months which just blows my mind. You're gentle and patient with other kids and always show concern when someone hurts themselves. You're also incredibly curious and full of boundless energy and love to point at mama's phone saying "song!" and then dance your tiny bum off. I can't believe you're going to be 2 in less than 2 months.

Quitting my job and staying home with you has been the best decision I have ever made. Spending so much time with you, whether it's a happy or frustrating time, is making me a better mama and all around better person. I love you, my little chip-toothed, wispy-haired pixie.

Love,
Mama

Wordless Wednesday

(hahahaha! this pic cracks me up)

Lions and Tigers and bugs... oh my!

So Scarlett has discovered what bugs are and instead of being fascinated she's quite terrified of them. I once killed a small spider near her doorway and she constantly reminds me of that event. She likes to point at the spot excitedly yelling "Buggy! Buggy, mama! Buggy, bye bye!".

Of course the big scary ones tends to come out when Daddy's not around. I have good luck like that, you know? Also, I'm terrified of bugs. I do, however, make sure to not freak in front of Scarlett because I do not want to make her fear of bugs any worse.

Like the other day, I had just changed her diaper, set her down, and was throwing the old one away. She started saying, "Buggy! Buggy!". My back was to her but I assured her there wasn't a bug as she tends to see them everywhere even when there are none. I assumed she either transformed a speck of dirt into a bug with her mind or was reminding me of the one I killed in the doorway. She persisted, yelling "Buggy!" so I turned around. A freaking huge house centipede. EEEEEEEEK! It took all I had not to shriek because I'm a scaredy cat like that. I had to give myself a little internal pep talk upon the realization that I was going to have to step on this monster.

I held it together and stepped on him, with an audible crunch! and a nice little bloody spot on the floor. Gross. Cleaned it up with a wipe and that was that.

Now she has two spots in her room to remind me of.

Wordless Wednesday

Dance.

Flashback Friday

Scarlett was 3 months old in this picture. It's one of my favorites, despite her not smiling and despite the wet shirt. Hardly anything was dry those days, or dry for long I should say, due to the horrible reflux and puking. Oh the puke... don't even get me started on that. We had a projectile vomiter which was lovely. But she was cute! If you're cute the puking can be somewhat ignored right?

Instagram Love

I love instagram so, so much. It allows me to share photos throughout the day (published to twitter, most times as well) and get a peek into the daily lives of others.

I take a lot of pictures with my iPhone since it's always with me. Here are some of my favorite instagram photos from the last month. My username on both Instagram and Twitter is ohcrys.

First ice cream truck experience with Grandpa

Daddy

Me and my niece Allie. Baby Feeeeever!

Scarlett and Daddy reading time

Swing!

Sleepy Girl

Wheeee!

Curls! Her hair is finally getting longer

Swimming at Great Grandma's

First trip to the library

One cool chick

Waiting for daddy to get home

Wicked bedhead

Scarlett, mean kitty charmer

Changes

I've got a big (err, more like HUGE) list of topics I want to blog about but right now? I'd rather just do the stream of consciousness thing. My brain is still a jumbled mess but it is improving so there's hope.

It's been a month since I quit. A month since I've been home with my lovely, ok, most of the time she's lovely, little pixie and I still can't believe time has gone by this quickly. We still do not have a good schedule established and that's really starting to give everyone the crabbies around here. Scarlett's naps are random, and although she sleeps about the same amount of time each day the times she actually naps are all over the place. She has reverted back to two naps most days, which isn't normal for a 22 month old from what I know. She was on an excellent schedule at daycare but we could never get her to sleep at the same time on the weekends. And now that she's home full time with me, well, it's like that everyday. She also pretty much flat out refuses to sleep anywhere but in the car or her bed. Even pack 'n plays at both grandparents houses aren't working so great anymore. And in the stroller or on me? Negative. This makes going out anywhere hard if it's going to be more than an hour or so.

And all those things I researched and bookmarked excitedly while I was still working? I'm talking about the story times at the library, mom groups, free activities, play times at the rec center near us, etc., etc.... well those haven't happened yet either. I told myself after the first week I'd be all settled and all would be well. HAHA. That is so not the case. It's not like we've been sitting around the house all day, but still... Just not exactly what I envisioned.

I've also had to learn how to do most things alone with a feisty toddler around. You'd think that I would be used to this since she's nearly 2, right? I mean doing laundry while your toddler is around would be a basic thing every mom does? Well not this mama. Our laundry area is in the unfinished utility room in the basement and I could never find a good way to keep her out of stuff. I only ever did laundry when Matt was home and could play with her. And cooking? Only ever did anything beyond the very basic easy stuff when he was home as well. Now as I'm typing this it sounds so stupid but it's true. I never felt like doing anything elaborate after working 10 hours at my stressful job anyways.

So it's been an incredibly big adjustment. Getting used to spending less, doing things with Scarlett around while keeping her safe and entertained, teaching her...

As hard as it's been, though, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

More to come, promise!

Friday...

Today is my last Friday here. I'm off on Monday because Scarlett's daycare is closed for training and then I have three more days next week. THREE.

I feel like a suck horribly at this whole blog thing. I read other blogs and feel like I don't write well enough. I'm not fashionable either. But ya know what? Sometimes I feel like some of the blogs out there only share the happy stuff. Hell with that I say, I'm sure they are in ratty clothes half of the time and have their bad days like the rest of us. And I'm just going to be myself and write what I want to write whether people read it or not. I need to write for myself and just be done with it.

Right now I'm not happy anyways which is a big part of it. I hate my job, although that's going to soon be remedied, have so little time with Scarlett, am very unhealthy and have all this extra weight and my brain is a mess. I'm hoping that with quitting, getting more active and being with Scarlett everyday will help me get back to myself.

I'm a nervous mess these days.

The Easter "Munny" and I can't freaking concentrate.

Adorable right? The dress is too big but fortunately you can't tell in the picture. Skinny girl... and she would absolutely not wear the sandals I bought her. Girl has a major foot problem. Clipping her fingernails? No problem! Toenails? TORTURE! She doesn't like to have her bare feet touched - socks are fine though it seems. Will not wear sandals. Don't get that one.

But she can of course touch her own feet...

Anyways she thought the Easter Munny was the absolute shit. Only reason she wasn't smiling was due to all the people looking at her. She was looking around like you want me to entertain you guys or something?

Today has been spent completely slacking at work. I mean, 9 more days to go, and I may be physically here but not so much mentally. I've spent the day looking up library story times, community center activities including swim classes and $1 resident playdates and only $95 for the entire year for gym access for the whole family (well, minus Scarlett), dude! Can't wait to go to the zoo and Grant's Farm and the Science Center and City Museum and the Botanical Gardens and holy crap I'm excited. My awesome mother in law (I totally hit the mother in law jackpot guys!) is off on Mondays so it's on!

I used to hate the summer because I sweat horribly. I mean, I was a warm baby and sweat like crazy even if I'm skinny. Which I'm so not skinny right now. So the sweat? It's bad. But who cares what anyone thinks - I'm going to focus on Scarlett having fun.

And speaking of the extra weight, I have 30lbs to shed before I even think about getting pregnant again. And I'm not in a rush for that to happen because I want to enjoy the summer with Scarlett without having months and months of morning sickness again. So I'm hoping to lose the 30 I put on after I had her (yeah, after, ugh) and then the baby making activities will start in the fall/winter (hubba,hubba!). Ideally I'd like to lose, or rather need to lose, more around 60 but let's be realistic here and start small. Baby steps! I'm going to start eating better next week and will start exercising more then as well. It'll be easier at home anyways because I don't have a soda machine at work (baaaad) or people bringing in baked goods.

Better end my rambling, sorry I was all over the place but I. AM. EXCITED!

Awesome Weekend

I planned on including the billions of pictures I took this weekend but I'm at work so that would require emailing myself all of them from my phone and yada yada yada. So how about a written description for now? I'll make sure to actually post tonight from home so I can just pull the pictures in from iphoto. So much easier!

Matt worked on Saturday so Scarlett and I spent most of the day playing, coloring, etc. It was quite rainy out so we just kept busy inside.

Sunday we met up with Matt's parents at Bass Pro (better than the mall) to see the Easter bunny. They got there early and snagged the 3rd spot in line so that made a huge difference in Scarlett's mood. She is certainly not patient and standing in line is not her favorite thing. She thought the Easter bunny (or munny, as she says) was the coolest thing she had ever seen. We then went to see the fishies and then headed to Toys R Us from there.

We have been meaning to get her a Cozy Coupe for a while and they had them on sale for $39. We also had a $5 Little Tikes coupon so it was an awesome deal :)

Matt's parents took her home with them while we made a quick trip to Costco and then we hung out over there for a while.

She hadn't napped all day so on the trip home she was absolutely out. She slept for a few hours, had dinner, and then we played outside the rest of the day. Went for a stroller ride around the neighborhood while Matt put together the Cozy Coupe and then played in the backyard.

Guess that was a bit boring without pictures but they're coming, promise. Also I suck at this blogging thing (have tried several times over the past few years, but am going to attempt to keep this one up) but you can also follow me at twitter for more regular updates and pictures. Just started it and it's so much easier than blogging - quick updates and pictures via instagram are the way to go. Username is ohcrys (that was a title of a previously failed blog. Sigh).

Ways to end a toddler tantrum #57: Let them make a mess.

Yeah, my kitchen was already a mess before Scarlett unloaded the drawer, I know.

Random

My brain has been all over the place lately... understandable considering in approximately 3 weeks I'm going to be done with my job.

I've been trying to remain motivated but it's been near impossible. There's been a lot of frustration at work due to politics and well I just feel USED.

Scarlett has seemed to make up for all of the frustration and stress by being cuddly and adorable. She's normally not incredibly cuddly but last night while Matt was working late she was attached to me for most of the night... and I ate it up. I just laid on the floor and she would be wild and try to wrestle with me and then come in for a hug or give me a kiss. So freaking sweet. I hated to put her to bed when the time came but I knew if I didn't she'd be an absolute crab in the morning.

She was pretty difficult this morning despite going to bed by a reasonable time... not wanting anything we tried to give her for breakfast and being so particular about this jacket or that jacket and various other things. I know, normal toddler behavior right? She is officially 20 months today and it's painful yet exciting at the same time to see just how grown up she is these days. She remained silent during the car ride to daycare but when I got her in she just buried her little head between my neck/shoulder and just didn't want me to go. And it was so, so hard to walk out and just go to work.

Soon she'll have her mama all the time. I know it will not always be easy but I'm up for the challenge. And I can't freaking wait.

Twenty-Nine

Today is my birthday. And also a craptastic day so far. Matt is working late due to a meeting and won't be home until after the baby punk is fast asleep and drooling on her bear bear. He is, however, bringing me dinner. So that's good, right?

Tomorrow in my morning touch base with my boss I'm going to break the news that I'm quitting... and it will be my official 4 week notice. Part of me doesn't want to give them that much notice due to many factors but then again I'm the only one here at this site with no backup for site specific items. So since I care TOO much about everything and I do care about the people left behind, I'm going to give a month's notice. Still scary as hell though. With budget cuts and layoffs and all that going on now and the previous years, everything is tight and they're not going to be happy.

Gotta do what's right for myself and my family, however. Too much stress right now and I'm not the mom I want to be (and know I can be). I seriously need to get my health back in check as well as I'm a mess medically.

May 21st would be 10 years for me. So yeah, although I'm not happy right now it's still going to be hard.

...and so the adventure begins

I've been horrible about keeping up past blogs. So time to start new, right?

The oh-so-exciting details: 28. Located in the midwest where the weather can be 80 one day and snow the next. Wife to my handsome bearded genius and momma to a feisty toddler. Office monkey at the current, soon to be a stay at home mom (brokesville here I come!).

Next Wednesday, 4/6 I'll be 29. The next day I'm going to give my 4 week notice at work. Scared out of my wits but excited all at the same time.